If a loved one was injured, you are most likely experiencing many of the same emotions and adjustments that your loved one is experiencing.

These are all normal responses to an injury. Understanding more about your situation can help. Below is information on coping, what you can expect and rebuilding your life. You can either scroll down or click these links to be taken to the information you need now:

After the Crash | Going Home | How Long Will Recovery Take? | Grief | Anger | Guilt and Survival Guilt Depression and Anxiety | Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | Burn Injury | Spinal Cord Injury | Traumatic Brain Injury | What Does Healing Mean? | Healing Tips | Financial Resources | Tips for Family and Friends

You can contact MADD at any time by calling our Victim/Survivor Helpline at 
1-877-MADD-HELP (1-877-623-3435). We have trained victim advocates who can answer your questions, help you understand what you are experiencing or simply listen. MADD helps survivors survive and our services are free.

You can also send us an e-mail at Victims@MADD.org and we will respond as soon as possible.

LIVING WITH INJURY

After the Crash

If you or a loved one has been injured in a drunk driving crash, you are probably dealing with many emotions and adjustments – most of which are frightening and overwhelming.

If you are the one who was injured, you may be experiencing physical pain beyond anything you have ever felt before. You may even wish that you had died, feeling that to have escaped this kind of pain would have been a blessing.

You might also be struggling with memories of the crash—replaying them over and over in your mind in an effort to make sense of it all. You may even be experiencing flashbacks of the crash or violent nightmares known as “night terrors” that leave you unable to speak or move when you wake up. You may also be haunted by the sounds of bending metal and shattering glass or the memory of moving in slow motion and believing you were going to die.

Perhaps you can’t remember anything about the crash and are frustrated because you feel that if you remembered you would know exactly what happened.

As an injured victim/survivor, you might also be worried about other things such as what this has done to your family, finances and your future. You may find yourself feeling guilty for being alive, especially if someone you love was killed in the crash. You may also feel guilt because you may think you are a burden on others or that you are not carrying out your normal responsibilities.

The physical pain of your injury, as well as the stress of your new circumstances, may make it difficult for you to sleep. You may also find that food has no appeal, that you are tired and confused and that you have difficulty concentrating.

You may not only feel angry, but enraged. And this rage may focus on the drunk driver for making such an irresponsible decision to drink and drive.

You may also be frustrated with those who attempt to comfort you—feeling misunderstood by those who say "you're just so lucky to be alive" because you don't feel lucky at all. You may also struggle with what to say when asked if you are feeling better. You know they want you to feel better so they will feel better, but you don't feel better. You may just wish people would stop asking if you are OK.

All of these thoughts, feelings and experiences are normal and natural responses for someone in your situation. Know that, in time, these thoughts and feelings will diminish and become more manageable.

Going Home

When you come home from the hospital or rehabilitation center, everyone in the family may have to make adjustments. And many, if not all, components of your daily routine may need to be re-evaluated in order to compensate for your injury.

Adjusting home and work schedules, budgets and restructuring the house to accommodate your injury are big undertakings. Be prepared for frustrations, pressures and tensions to mount until new routines are established. Comparing your new life with your old one is natural, but the vivid contrast can intensify frustrations. Finding ways to make the necessary adjustments can be empowering and ease tensions.

Children in the home will need special attention as they can sometimes get overlooked because so much of the family’s resources and energies are focused on the one who is injured. Children are often very shaken by the fact that someone who is supposed to take care of them now might not be able to and they are sometimes forced to assume more responsibilities. They may also be scared by the physical changes of your injury.

Carefully observe to see if your child begins to withdraw, becomes noticeably more noisy or quiet, gets poor grades in school or stops spending time with friends. Teenagers may act out by running away, using alcohol and other drugs or engaging in other disruptive behaviors. These are all warning signals that your child needs to talk about his or her fears and frustrations. Counseling may be necessary. Talking with someone outside the family offers a healthy and constructive outlet for them. It may also be helpful for another family member or trusted adult to take your child on special outings or invite them to spend time in a less stressed home environment.

An injury can also add stress to a marriage or other significant relationships. Some of the stress comes from financial worries, some from fatigue and some from the changes to your daily life. Relationships suffer the most when people hide from each other what they think and feel, which often happens because you might think you are protecting your loved one. If it’s difficult to talk honestly about your circumstances and feelings, consider inviting a trusted friend, clergy or counselor to facilitate these conversations.

The MADDvocate article “Relationships Revealed” is a good resource for learning how an injury can change the dynamics of relationships.

How Long Will Recovery Take?

Your physical recovery depends on the seriousness and permanence of your injuries. It also depends on how closely you follow the advice of your physicians. Your ability to accept temporary or permanent limitations will also add considerably to the quality of your life and those of your family and friends.

You may withdraw and cut off your social contacts because you are embarrassed or depressed about your injuries. This can make physical and emotional healing difficult because you are focusing on the past and not committing to the present or future. Recovery from a serious injury takes a great deal of patience and hard work. You will probably find that you make progress for a while and then reach a plateau or regress. That ebb and flow is natural. As long as you can see that you are making progress—even though it is slower at some times than others—you will continue to heal both physically and emotionally.

Physical recovery may or may not ever be complete. Even if your injuries are not severe, you may move a little slower than others or experience intermittent pain.

Emotional recovery may never be complete. You might continue to feel anxious when riding in a car as well as twinges of grief and anger throughout your life. Coping with the senselessness of what happened to you can be the most difficult aspect. You may find focusing on the randomness of the crash is useful—to focus on the “what ifs” will only add to your frustration. Focusing on the present and the future is the better choice, even though it’s not always easy.

Talking with other victims can help. MADD hosts live Victim Support Forums and chats every Monday night at 7 p.m. CT and every Thursday night at 8:30 p.m. CT. These online gatherings let victims/survivors and family members share their insights, feelings and experiences in a safe, understanding environment.

You can also learn more about rehabilitation by reading MADD’s brochure Rehabilitative Therapies.

EMOTIONS AND INJURY

Grief

Most people associate grief with a death. But grief really is the body, mind and heart’s response to any loss. If you or a loved one has been injured in a drunk driving crash, you may have experienced many losses such as the loss of the life you once had, your hopes and dreams for the future, financial stability and independence. It is important that you recognize and grieve these losses.

• Crying, loneliness and feelings of isolation
• Poor appetite, overeating, sleeplessness and overall irritability
• The need to talk about the crash and the circumstances surrounding it over and over again
• Fear, vulnerability decreased trust
• Diminished self-concern
• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and/or depression
• Feelings of anger, guilt and/or blame
• Inability to concentrate or remember
• Loss of motivation to accomplish goals in the future
• Spiritual confusion

Surges of grief may also surface each time you try to do something you thought you could do, but find you can’t. You can also experience grief each time something unexpected occurs such as additional surgeries or medical procedures. Medical procedures sometimes don’t work or they take longer to recover from than expected. You may become upset if you expect miracles.

You might also grieve the loss of friends and even family members who are unable to cope with your injuries, which can disappoint you. It is painful to realize that those you always thought you could count on can’t be counted on sometimes.

You may also grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for your future that are now impossible. Realizing that you have to let go of your plans because of your injury can, at times, feel unbearable. Coming to grips with a new future takes a long time. Remember, you are on a healing journey.

The MADDvocate article “The Art of Healing” is a good resource to learn how expressive therapies can help with healing.

Anger

You may not only feel angry, but enraged. Your anger may focus on the drunk driver for having made the unthinkable choice to drink and drive. You may also have anger toward the legal system, your doctors and even yourself as you think there was something you could have done to avoid the crash. You may also be angered by the reactions of your family and friends.

The intensity of your anger may surprise you. It is very common for victims/survivors to have vengeful thoughts and fantasies. If you are experiencing anger, give yourself permission to feel it. You will benefit from learning to accept and express it.

And even though anger does not feel good, it can seem less painful than sadness. You will eventually need to give up some of the anger, rage and vengeance to experience the sadness underneath it. By being willing to face the intense grief underneath the anger, you may find some relief from the rage.

• Write about your feelings in a journal.
• If you are physically able, engage in a physical activity such as an exercise program or team sport to help release feelings of anger.
• Channel the negative into a positive through advocacy work.
• Understand that everyone reacts differently; be sensitive to family members and other loved ones who may be reacting differently than you.
• Identify what triggers your anger and develop a plan for coping with the emotion during those times.
• Know your limits in controlling your anger and never enter into a situation you think may become physically violent.
• Don’t allow abusive behavior—verbal or physical—from a loved one or yourself.
• Call MADD to be put in touch with a victim advocate in your area.
• Attend a support group.
• Seek professional counseling, if necessary.

For more on anger, read the MADDvocate article “Grief and Anger.”

Guilt and Survival Guilt

You may feel guilty for being alive, particularly if you think you are a burden to others or are not able to carrying out your normal responsibilities. Even if they willingly care for you, you may feel guilty about needing that help. You may also feel that the injury was your fault. Possibly the toughest job you will have is to look rationally at how your beliefs make you feel guilty. Try not to exaggerate your role in the crash. The person who drove drunk is the person who is negligent, not you.

Talking with others who have some understanding of your experience can help you look at your guilt realistically. Feeling less guilty will not take away your sadness or anger, but it can be a big step in your healing journey.

Beyond guilt, there is survival guilt. In general, survivor guilt is when a person feels he or she should not continue to go on in the wake of another’s death. If someone you love was killed in the crash and you were injured, you may be continually asking “Why me?” “What does this mean?” “Do I now have some obligation because I was spared?”

There are many degrees of survival guilt ranging from someone who may feel mildly uncomfortable and thinks about it once in a while to the person who self-sabotages all the time. Those with high survivor guilt will self-punish, or self-sabotage, by abusing alcohol and drugs or acting out in ways such as having unprotected sex or affairs.

Recognizing when survivor guilt has shaded over into impeding the grieving process is key.

When the guilt brings about dysfunction in one or more of the major realms of life such as psychologically, work, relationships or your health then it is time to seek help.

To learn more about survival guilt, read the MADDvocate article “Survival Skills.” 

Depression and Anxiety

While grief reactions such as sadness, anger and fear are normal, more serious psychological complication can develop.

• Frequent crying spells
• Persistent feelings of helplessness or hopelessness
• Inappropriate feelings of guilt
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Sleep and/or appetite disturbance that affects overall health
• Social withdrawal
• Suicidal thoughts

If you are experiencing some or all of these feelings and they are interfering with your ability to physically and emotionally function or relationships with family and friends are in jeopardy, seek help immediately. Clinical depression and anxiety can be debilitating, but they are very treatable.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

When a person is exposed to a traumatic event such as a car crash, they frequently suffer psychological consequences such as depression or anxiety. Some people, however, suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is deeper, broader and more complex than depression.

Symptoms of PTSD include “flashbacks” where unpleasant memories of the crash repeatedly intrude into your thoughts and awareness. You may suddenly have thoughts of the crash or perceive sensations (images, smells) that "bring you back" to the crash. Nightmares are also common. Other symptoms include outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating or remembering and hypervigilance or exaggerated startle response.

Trauma victims/survivors who consistently experience most or all of these symptoms for at least one month or longer may be suffering from PTSD, which is diagnosed by mental health professionals. If you believe you may be suffering from PTSD, it is important to seek professional help. PTSD is treatable with a combination of therapies.

For more on PTSD, read the MADDvocate article “Shattering of the Soul.”

SPECIFIC INJURIES

Burn Injury

Unlike a lot of injuries drunk driving victims/survivors suffer, those with burn injuries wear the scars of their trauma for the world to see. And it can be physically and psychologically devastating.

Medical advancements have substantially improved the survival and mortality rates for those suffering from burn injury. But with survival comes a need for support and information to cope with the emotional, mental and spiritual issues that remain with the physical scars.

If you or a loved one has suffered a burn injury as a result of a drunk driving crash, MADD can help. Our brochure Living with Burn Trauma provides information about burns, burn treatment, the burn unit experience, what to expect when going home, grief, coping, hope and healing, and tips for the family and friends of a burn victim/survivor.

Another good resource on learning about recovering from and living with burn injuries is the MADDvocate article “A Change of Face.”

Here are some other resources you might find helpful: The Burn Institute, Burn Survivor Resource Center, Burn Survivors USA and The Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors.

Spinal Cord Injury

Unlike many drunk driving victims/survivors, those with spinal cord injuries face permanent and lifelong changes that often result in paralysis and/or loss of sensation below the injury site. And it can be physically and psychologically devastating.

Medical advancements have substantially improved the survival and mortality rates for those suffering from burn injury. But with survival comes a need for support and information to cope with the emotional, mental and spiritual issues that remain with the physical injury.

If you or a loved one has suffered a spinal cord injury as a result of a drunk driving crash, MADD can help. Our brochure Living With Spinal Cord Injury provides information about the spinal cord, spinal cord injury, treatments, the hospital and rehabilitation experience, what to expect when going home, grief, coping, hope and healing, and tips for the family and friends of a victim/survivor with spinal cord injury.

Here are some other resources you might find helpful: National Spinal Cord Injury Association and Spinal Cord Injury Resource Center.

Traumatic Brain Injury

Many drunk driving victims/survivors experience a silent, unseen and sometimes undiagnosed injury to the brain known as Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). In fact, impaired driving crashes are a leading cause of TBI.

Immediately after a crash, it is not unusual for a head-injured person to discuss what happened with law enforcement officers and emergency medical personnel, or even exchange driver’s license and insurance information. Later, when the consequences of the head injury begin to interfere significantly with the person's life, neither the injured individual nor the family relates the problems back to the crash.

Even an injury that has been labeled as mild TBI can be a significant injury that impacts family, personal relationships, employment and general well-being. Educating yourself about TBI is one of the most important things you can do to understand and cope with the injury.

MADD’s brochure Living With Brain Injury provides information on injuries to the head and brain, structure and functions of the brain, classification and diagnosis, consequences of brain injury, challenges to employment, rehabilitation, grief, coping and healing.

You can also read the DRIVEN article “Life Out Of Focus” on TBI and the MADDvocate article “Loving Your Child Twice” for strategies on parenting children with brain injury.

Here are some other resources you might find helpful: Brain Injury Association of America and Traumatic Brain Injury Resource Center.

HEALING

What Does Healing Mean?

• Feeling good when something good happens
• Feeling hopeful about your future
• Giving attention and energy to everyday life
• Laughing and being cheerful
• Feeling at peace with yourself
• Socializing with others

Depending on the severity of your injury, these things may not be achieved completely, but they can be achieved to some extent. It will not be quick or easy—healing takes patience and hard work. But you owe it to yourself and to those who need you and love you to try to recover as much as possible.

Healing Tips

The most important thing you can do is learn as much about your injury as you can. The more you understand, the more patience you will have with yourself and your progress.

Because your body is complex, your physician may not be able to predict the course or completeness of healing. If you are not satisfied with treatment, talk to your doctor. You may find that a second opinion from a specialist will give you peace of mind or help you in deciding to change medical providers.

Strive for honest communication. Your family and friends may avoid discussing certain components of the crash or your injury because they feel it is protecting you. They may also talk down to you as if you were a child. You will need to tell them that you want to communicate in a more adult, straight-forward manner.

Taking back control of your life and situation is a significant part of healing. Below are some tips that can help you do that.

• Contact your employer about sick and disability leave, insurance and benefits.
• Learn about the driver's liability insurance and possible civil justice solutions.
• Contact the District Attorney's Office about criminal charges against the drunk driver.
• Plan for child care and your own personal care when you go home from the hospital.
• Obtain bids for adjustments that must be made in your home to accommodate your injuries, and learn how to obtain the necessary appliances or devices you will need for your care.

Financial Resources.

Many injured victims/survivors find that they are financially responsible for their injury, even though they were not at fault for the crash. Also, depending on the type and severity of your injury, you may not be able to work or work full-time. All of which can lead to financial concerns.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1991, you could be entitled to a number of accommodations. For example, it is appropriate to ask your employer for adjustments to your work space, hours or responsibilities to allow you to continue working. Know your rights and negotiate as tactfully as possible with your employer.

You may also qualify for financial benefits. If you were injured while driving to or from work, check on Worker’s Compensation benefits. If you will be unable to work for a year or more due to your injury, you may be eligible for Social Security Disability benefits. Although these applications are often originally denied, follow through on appeals. And because benefits are paid from the date of your application, file for benefits as soon as you think you could be disabled for 12 months.

You might also be able to get funds for retraining, education or equipment necessary for future employment from your state Vocational Rehabilitation agency.

Finally, find out if you qualify for your state’s Crime Victim Compensation Program.

A MADD Victim Advocate can help answer your questions and in filling out the necessary paperwork. To be put in touch with a victim advocate in your area, call MADD Victim/Survivor Help Line at 1-877-MADD-HELP (1-877-623-3435). Visit the Financial Recovery section of the site for more information. MADD also has several brochures that you might find helpful: Financial Recovery After a Drunk Driving Crash, Picking Up the Financial Pieces Part 1: Managing Financial Issues at Home, Picking Up the Financial Pieces Part 2: Managing Work Issues After a Drunk Driving Crash, Picking Up the Financial Pieces Part 3: Financial Recovery Issues in Court. Contact a Victim Advocate for copies.

The MADDvocate article “Employing Strategies” is also a good resource on how you can overcome legal, emotional or physical obstacles to return to work after an injury. Also read “Stake Your Claim” to better understand how to navigate the confusing world of insurance.

Your New Self

You may be shaped or move differently than you did before. You may become physically and mentally exhausted sooner than you once did. You may need to plan your time and energy carefully, almost on an hour by hour basis. Little by little, your self-image must be adjusted to your new reality, grieving what has been lost.

The first step is trying to learn to accept the limitations inflicted by your injury. Try to be in touch with your feelings and rational thinking. It is OK to sometimes be overwhelmed by your feelings, as long as you are not overwhelmed all the time.

Part of your new self is accepting that you survived a terrible trauma that has changed you and that you are going on with your life. It will not be easy. But setting realistic goals for yourself, spending time with people who accept you as you are and finding a way to do meaningful work can help.

Your interests, concerns and values may be different now. And your life may be divided into two segments: before the crash and after the crash. And that is OK. Chances are you will or already have discovered strengths you never knew you had. You are a survivor.

Tips for Family and Friends.

Family and friends play an important role in helping an injured victim/survivor recover as much as possible and build a new life.

• Understand that you are also traumatized. Learning about the crash, rushing to the hospital, seeing your loved one in pain and learning about the injury is a trauma all its own. You probably experienced shock, anxiety and terrible dread. Seek the help and support you need in order to cope.
• Remember that it could just as easily have been you who was injured. Being aware of that fact will give you humility and patience.
• Recovery for your loved one will rarely be complete. Even if the physical injuries heal completely, emotional scars will remain. If the injured victim/survivor has fears and anxieties, understand that they are normal following a traumatic crash. Do your best to accommodate them.
• Try to nurture rather than rescue. A nurturer encourages the victim/survivor to take care of himself/herself and assists with the rest. A rescuer does it all without involving the victim/survivor in his or her own recovery.
• Work toward normalizing your loved one’s experience, not minimizing it. Making light of the seriousness of the injury or intensity of the pain is cruel and demeaning. Helping the your loved one understand that others with similar injuries have the same difficulties as he or she is having can help your loved on feel more normal.
• Learn to be comfortable with rage and despair—and encourage them to be expressed in constructive ways. Talking about the darkest of human emotions is far healthier than allowing them to stew inside. Understand that vengeful fantasies are harmless, even normal. Never say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
• Expect guilt, especially if someone else was killed in the crash. Gently encourage your loved one to approach his or her feelings of guilt with rational thinking. If there are components of the crash in which your loved one may legitimately be at fault, help your loved one to understand that this component is only a small part of the complexity of the crash. Carrying full responsibility is irrational and unnecessary.
• Expect a physical and emotional reaction on or around the anniversary date. No one can explain why, but injured victims/survivors often experience a resurgence of physical pain and depression on or near the anniversary of their crash. This can happen even if your loved on does not realize it’s the anniversary.
• Allow your loved one to re-tell the story of what happened as many times as needed. Telling the story helps one come to grips with it and in bringing forgotten memories to the surface. Only if the story is exactly the same time after time with no new awareness or understanding should you be worried about your loved one being stuck in grieving about the crash.
• Help your loved on identify his or her feelings—it helps to more accurately describe what is going on inside.
• Understand that it’s normal your loved one’s progress to have ups and downs.
• If your loved one is having nightmares, flashbacks and night terrors, sit with him or her until he or she can respond.
• Give honest and reasonable recognition at signs of healing. Don’t give excessive praise or label the individual as “an inspiration.” The duty to be an inspiration or to be strong can be a burden. But do notice each achievement.
• Encourage your loved one to socialize, but only when he or she is ready. Offer to take your loved one to a support group or attend an event or activity he or she enjoyed before the crash. Try to re-establish hobbies if possible.
• Take care of yourself. Seeing your one you love suffer can break your heart. Ongoing physical care of your loved one coupled with your worries about the future can be both physically and mentally exhausting. Get regular medical check-ups, proper nutrition and exercise regularly. The MADDvocate article “Give and Take” is a good resource for information on learning to provide care for you loved one while still taking care of yourself.
• Maintain your social relationships and be with your friends when you can. Don’t be shy about asking them to help in caring for your loved one.