Your child may be acting out, withdrawn or seemingly indifferent about the death. You may be surprised that your attempts to comfort your child are rejected or are concerned that your child is terrified to leave your side. You might have even found that it’s difficult for your child to understand the concept of death.

All of these are normal and natural responses for a child who has experienced the death of a loved one, particularly depending on which developmental stage your child is in. Understanding more about these developmental stages and how a child grieves can help.

Below is information on child grief, coping and healing. You can either scroll down or click these links to be taken to the information you need now:

Helping Children Cope With Death | Infant to Toddlers | Ages 4-6 | Ages 7-11 | Ages 12-17 | The Funeral  Talking About Death | Responding to Your Child’s Feelings | Honoring Your Loved One | Your Emotions Taking Care of Yourself.

You can also contact MADD at any time by calling our Victim/Survivor Helpline at 
1-877-MADD-HELP (877-623-3435). We have trained victim advocates that can answer your questions, help your child understand what he or she is experiencing or simply listen. We understand what your child is going through and we want to help. MADD helps survivors survive and our services are free.

CHILD GRIEF

Helping Children Cope with Death.

Experiencing grief is a part of life. And lessons in grieving and surviving are important gifts you can give your child. Much of what your child will learn about death and bereavement will come from you and it serve as your child’s foundation for grief responses throughout his or her life.

As a loving parent or caregiver, you don’t want your child to hurt. And in an effort to protect your child, you may be disguising the truth about death. This may actually do harm.

Children are regularly exposed to death through cartoons and television images as well as with the loss of a pet or grandparent. They need continuing education from adults to understand all that death entails. If they aren’t taught the truths about death, it can further complicate their grief journey.

Children are impressionable and many things influence their views on death. Age, religious beliefs, cultural or ethnic values and their relationship to the deceased person are important factors. However, the reactions of a parent or caregiver are, by far, the primary factor in determining how a child will cope with death.

Telling a child about the death of a loved one is just the beginning. Your child is now on a healing journey that is a long process of sharing information, thoughts and emotions. Like adults, children differ widely in their reactions to death. But they are not miniature adults and should not be expected to react like one. Children have very distinct ways of perceiving reality, which is primarily based on developmental stages. Knowing how children conceptualize death within the context of their age can help you better understand what your child needs to grieve.

The MADDvocate article “A Child’s Grief Journey” is a good resource for information on how to help a child deal with the loss of a loved one. MADD’s brochure Helping Children Cope with Death is also another good resource. Click the link to download a PDF or to order a copy.

Infants and Toddlers.

Even the youngest of children can sense when something is wrong.

Infants can be affected by a death in the family. If it is the infant’s mother, the child may have biological reactions such as sleeping difficulties, changes in feeding habits, diarrhea, constipation and irritability. And an infant’s grief is expressed through anger, crying, searching, eating less, and, eventually, quiet resignation.

Addressing an infant’s grief can be remedied quickly by another caregiver assuming primary care. Passing infants from caregiver to caregiver, however, may cause the child anxiety. Try to keep day-to-day care as consistent as possible.

Toddlers can feel the grief and anxiety in their surroundings. They will require reassurance through frequent touching and holding. Because your toddler cannot comprehend what death is, explanations of death are meaningless. What you do is far more important than what you say to your toddler.

For a grieving infant or toddler, the best thing you can do is provide a lot of tender loving care through holding, cuddling and stroking.

Ages 4-6.

In the wake of a death, children ages 4-6 need a great deal of physical nurturing and the security of someone to care for them.

Bereaved children in this age group have a limited and literal understanding of death. They believe that anything active is alive. For example, a wind-up toy will seem alive when it moves or a stuffed animal will seem alive during play because it has assumed life-like characteristics.

This “magical thinking” is a key characteristic of a 4- to 6-year-old’s development. Children this age will act out their fear and confusion through play. You should not discourage this behavior. Instead, look for aggression in play and explore where the anger is focused. Also, sit with your child as he or she plays with dolls, puppets, stuffed animals, toy cars or doll houses and ask how various dolls or toys feel. This can give you some insight to your child’s needs in terms of his or her grief.

This age group also has a limited concept of time. Because of their limited understanding of time and death, your child might expect the deceased to be alive again soon. At this age, death is best explained in physical terms such as “His heart stopped beating and no one can make it start. That means we won’t be seeing him move or talk any more. And we will bury his body in the ground because he’s not able to do or say anything any more.”

Don’t be surprised if your child reacts to the news of the death in a matter-of-fact way or speaks of the death or your deceased loved one in a detached manner. This is not a reflection of your child’s grief; it is simply the way a child’s brain at this age comprehends death.

If it was a parent or caregiver that died, your child’s primary worry will be about who will care for him or her. For this age a group, a child may experience bouts of separation anxiety. And, it’s important to note that crying at this age is more about disruptions in the household or the reactions of others rather than the death itself.

Often children this age will ask all kinds of questions that can be alarming to adults. Questions like “How will Daddy go to the bathroom?”, “Can we open our presents at the cemetery?” and “When will Grandma come play with me again?” are common. These types of questions are just your child’s way of trying to understand what has happened. Your child deserves an honest, but age-appropriate, response.

Compulsive retelling of the traumatic event is also common at this age. Your child may unexpectedly blurt out something like, “My Aunt Karen was killed in a drunk driving crash and my mommy cries sometimes.” This is a good opportunity to gently probe into your child’s feelings. It may be that your child is simply trying to master the information by verbalizing it, or there may be some underlying feeling or question that needs to be addressed.

Abstract thoughts and feelings such as “life after death” are beyond your child’s thinking ability at this age. He or she will not understand the difference between the burial of the body and “going home” or “going to Heaven.” You might address the distinction with an explanation like, “The part that smiled, laughed and held you is the part that has gone to Heaven. The old, broken body is what is what is in the ground.”

Your child will primarily feel extreme and long-lasting sadness for their loss, which may stem from feelings of abandonment. And because a child’s view of morality at this age is that bad behaviors are punished and good behaviors are rewarded, your child may think that your loved one left because he or she was bad. It may be helpful to point out that your loved one did not choose to die, that someone else’s reckless behavior caused the death.

MADD’s grief workbook Hangin’ in There With Nigel is specifically designed for bereaved children in this age group. (This may take several minutes to download.)

Ages 7-11.

Children ages 7-11 identify primarily with family, though they are beginning to relate to and gain identity from their peers. Also at this age, children are not only sensitive to their own feelings, but those of others. As a result, they understand what the loss of a death means to others.

While “magical thinking” and play are still ways self-expression, children this age can verbally express themselves quite well, especially feelings such as “mad,” “glad” and “sad.” They are also beginning to grasp more abstract concepts such as truth, time, space and death.

Seven and 8 year olds frequently become fearful of death because, for the first time, they realize it’s real. To them, death seems like an attacker that takes life. If it was not a parent that died, a 7 or 8 year old will feel overwhelmed at the very thought of losing a parent. They may also believe that they or another loved one will be the next to die. If it was a parent that died, it will be extremely traumatic at this age.

Because your child now understands that people die, they may become interested in what happens after death. Your child is primarily interested in the concept and instruments of death and will ask questions about why the person died and who or what caused the death.

Your child may not understand what “drunk driving” means. Explain how alcohol and drugs differ from milk or juice and that if he or she were to drink just half a beer, it would make him or her sick, dizzy and unable to stand or walk straight. Then you can explain that it takes more to intoxicate an adult and how a person’s ability to drive is diminished. Also, focus on one component of the crash at a time—do not overwhelm your child with information.

At this age, your child may feel guilt. Most children wish at some time or another to eliminate their parents or siblings and dream of different ways to do it. A child in this age group may believe that his or her “death wish” is what caused the death. It’s important to reinforce over and over again that your child did not cause the crash and free expression of guilt should be encouraged. Because your child simply cannot understand death on the intellectual level of adults, it will be difficult for your child to rid himself of those feelings of anger, fear and guilt.

It is also not unusual for a child this age to feel some shame regarding the death. Your child may feel different from his or her friends and may not want to answer questions like, “What where does your dad work?” Shame and confusion move to the forefront of their grief.

A more adult concept of life and death develops between 9 and 11. At this developmental stage, your child will have learned that only people, plants and animals live. Your child can now think abstractly, but still cannot fully appreciate meanings and values. He or she only knows that something has happened that cannot be fully understood or explained.

Regardless of what developmental stage your child’s is in, it’s important for your child to express his or her sadness, anger, fear and guilt. This is a normal and healthy part of grieving.

MADD’s grief workbook Hangin’ in There With Nigel is specifically designed for bereaved children in this age group. (This may take several minutes to download.)

Ages 12-17.

Children at this age—adolescents—are on the threshold of independence. They live in an intense world of self-discovery and are primarily concerned with life, identity, status and peer pressure. They are now tightly bonded with peers and are disengaging from family. And while they have developed adult-like concepts of life and death, they are still socially and emotionally immature.

When confronted with the death of a loved one, an adolescent’s self-centered values may cause great fear, guilt, anxiety and anger. They may feel that no one has felt the deep and powerful feelings they are now feeling.

They may express their rage through an increase in aggressive behavior. They may also have intense revenge fantasies. Adolescents must be helped to differentiate between thoughts and feelings and behaviors. It is important to help your teen find appropriate ways to express anger and rage.

Here are some tips on constructive ways your teen can better cope with anger.

• Writing about feelings in a journal.
• Engaging in physical activity such as an exercise program or team sport to help release feelings of anger.
• Channeling the negative into a positive through advocacy work.
• Identifying what triggers the anger and developing a plan for coping with the emotion during those times.
• Not allowing abusive behavior—verbal or physical—from a loved one or themselves.
• Working with a MADD Victim Advocate
• Attending an age-appropriate support group.
• Talking with a professional counselor.

Young adolescents often internalize a great deal of guilt when a parent dies because they are still developing their identity. Adolescents between 14 and 17 have achieved a stronger identity. They are not as self-centered younger teens, although their thoughts may be of their own death when faced with the death of another.

Death is foreign to even emotionally healthy adolescents and it’s something they simply don’t want to think about. Sometimes self-destructive behaviors such as alcohol or drug use are their way of saying “I’m not afraid of death.” What it really means is “I’m so afraid of death that I’m trying to control my fear and insecurity by making it a game.” Moving fast and keeping the music loud can be an escape from having to face these fears.

Your adolescent’s school performance will likely reflect the stress and trauma that comes with a sudden and violent death. While realistic academic expectations should not be relaxed, your bereaved teen may need extra tutoring, a less demanding schedule or other assistance from the school. Notify teachers and school officials of a death. They are in a unique position to monitor your child’s academic and social responses to the death. And many school counselors are trained to identify and respond to grief-related behavioral problems.

Your teen may be reluctant to participate in family therapy or support groups—at this age, your teen forms more intimate relationships with peers than with parents. It’s advisable to make available networks or groups of teens who have experienced the death of a loved one. Your teen may also respond well to a pastor, school counselor or adult who “understands.” Grieving adolescent should not be discouraged if they reach out to someone other than family—it is normal behavior for this stage of development.

MADD’s brochure How Are You Feeling? is a guide to loss, grief and healing specifically designed for bereaved teens. MADD also has the teen journaling companion Moving Forward…Never Forgetting which includes a picture frame magnet in a metal keepsake box. Contact your local victim advocate for one.

HELPING CHILDREN COPE

The Funeral.

Allow your child the opportunity to attend the funeral or memorial service of your loved one. This will help your child confront the reality that death has occurred and in acknowledging the loss. It also gives your child the opportunity to say goodbye in his or her own way.

And while your child should be encouraged to attend the funeral, you should never force your child attend. Nor should your child be forced to kiss or touch the deceased, although it is perfectly all right if he or she wishes to do so. The most important thing you can do for your child is give him or her as much information as you can on what to expect at the funeral.

If the funeral has already occurred and your child did not attend, it’s not too late to remedy the situation. Ask a trusted clergy or the funeral director to conduct a short, simple memorial service just for your child. It can be held at the grave site or other location. Allow your child to take photos of their loved to the service in remembrance.

Talking About Death.

Your child will most likely ask you questions about death. Honest and age-appropriate answers are best. To ignore or not adequately answer your child’s questions will only further confuse and upset your child.

For a young child, reinforce the fact that your loved one did not choose to die. You can explain that, in life, people are given choices and some make bad choices such as using alcohol or other drugs and then driving. And that these choices can hurt and kill other people. Explain that the death is no one’s fault except the person who made the bad choice.

Keep a journal of your answers to your child’s questions about death. These responses can later be used as a reference for future discussions. Also, communicate with school personnel, extended family and friends regarding your way of explaining death. If they understand your approach, confusing messages can be avoided.

Use caution when communicating with young children as they are concrete thinkers. Making statements like “To die is to go to sleep” could frighten your child causing a fear of going to sleep because he or she will die too. Also, statements like “Your daddy has gone away for a very long time” may leave a child feeling abandoned and the anticipation that your loved one will return.

Responding to Your Child’s Feelings.

It’s very important that you respond to your child’s feelings in an honest and age-appropriate manner. A younger child is less able to express emotions verbally, so you should offer a lot of touching, holding and stroking to help your child feel secure. If your child is older, encourage free expression of thoughts and feelings.

Your child may express sadness, fear and anger. Crying is perfectly natural and should not be discouraged.

Reassure your child when he or she brings up fears. Also, attempt to view these fears in the context of your child’s development stage. The best responses to fears are direct, simple, and clear and accompanied by touching and holding.

Anger can be difficult for a child to manage. Physical play, exercise or team sports is a good way to help your child release some of that anger.

Also understand that your child will frequently substitute feelings he or she can handle for those he or she cannot. Your child may giggle or laugh at things that are not funny—this is just your child’s way of coping.

When your child appears to be feeling a particular emotion, take the opportunity to ask how he or she is feeling. That’s a good way to get your child more comfortable with sharing thoughts and feelings. Perhaps the best way to make your child feel more at ease is for you to openly share your thoughts and feelings. Make sure, however, that what you share is age appropriate—you don’t want to further confuse, overwhelm or frighten your child.

No matter how comfortable your child becomes with an age-appropriate explanation of death, your child will reprocess the experience and feelings at each developmental stage and throughout his or her lifetime. As your child matures, he or she will need additional information about your deceased loved one and the circumstances surrounding the death. Your child will also need additional time, space and opportunity to grieve and grow.

Honoring Your Loved One.

Allow your child to share experiences of remembrance such as going to the cemetery, which can help against avoidance, denial and repression of painful feelings. The sadness felt at the cemetery may help your child move on through his or her grief.

Children need concrete ways of expressing themselves. Taking flowers, letters or other gifts to the cemetery may be important for your child. You might want to encourage your child to write a goodbye letter to your loved one and take the letter to the cemetery to place with a flower arrangement.

Your child may also want objects, clothing or a photograph of your loved one. Don’t worry if they want to take these objects to bed with them. Making up games that begin with “Remember when…” or “Do you remember…” can help your child express feelings and offer additional ways to remember the person who died.

Like you, your child will be especially aware of the absence of your loved one around holidays and other special occasions. Young children especially mark the passage of time by holidays. While you may not feel like celebrating, maintaining traditions is important. Find ways to include your deceased loved one in the festivities.

The MADDvocate article “An Occasion of Grief” is a good resource for information on coping with grief during the holidays and other special remembrance days. The article “A Gift of Hope for the Holidays” is an inspirational piece on how five families celebrate the life and memory of their loved one during the holidays.

Your Emotions.

It is important for you to share with your child as much of your thoughts and feelings that is age-appropriate. However, you will need to protect your child from witnessing an emotional collapse. You are the one your child is depending on and witnessing an emotional collapse will cause your child unnecessary anxiety and insecurity.

And while protecting your child from an emotional collapse is essential. Sending your child to spend time with other relatives or friends may be destructive. It is best not to spare your child from the reality of what is happening. Your child needs to learn that he or she can experience the death of a loved one without completely falling apart.

Children need to feel secure that a parent or caregiver will be there to care for them as they learn how to grieve. If, however, you are not fully equipped to care for your child, it may be more appropriate for your child to be cared for by another responsible adult for a short period of time.

For more information on grief and coping with the death of a loved one, visit the Bereaved section of our Web site. You can also visit the MADD Library to read or order victim-related brochures and articles you might find helpful.

Take Care of Yourself.

Caring for a bereaved child can be painful and time consuming. Realize that you too are moving through various phases of grief and allow yourself the time and space for your own healing journey.

During this time it is important for you take the best care of yourself as possible. You will need the physical and emotional strength for healing journey and to help your child down his or her own journey.

You might want to attend victim support groups, write in a journal or seek counseling for a while. The best thing you can do for your child is to deal with your own bereavement in a healthy way.