Another person has taken a part of your future from you. And when someone kills another person in such a senseless and reckless way, it is a shocking loss.

You may be feeling that you will never get over this pain. You may also feel that no one has ever felt the deep hurt and loss you are feeling right now.

Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal. And, you are not alone. We are here to help you.

Below is information on grief, coping and healing. You can either scroll down or click these links to be taken to the information you need now:

Grief | Numbness | Disbelief | Anger | Guilt and Survival Guilt | Sadness | Physical Symptoms of Grief "Losing It" and Depression | How to Deal | Healing

You can also contact MADD at any time by calling our Victim/Survivor Helpline at 
1-877-MADD-HELP (1-877-623-3435). We have trained victim advocates who can answer your questions, help you understand what you are experiencing or simply listen. We understand what you are going through and we want to help. MADD helps survivors survive and our services are free.

You can also get the free journaling companion Moving Forward…Never Forgetting which is specifically designed for you and what you are going through. It comes with a picture frame magnet in a metal keepsake box. Simply call 1-877-MADD-HELP (1-877-623-3435) to order one.

HOW YOU ARE FEELING

Grief

Grief is a word that is used to describe the thoughts and feelings people experience after a loss. Grief is really the body, mind and heart’s way of reacting to that loss.

Grief is a process—a healing journey—not an event. And, no one grieves in the same way or for the same amount of time. You may have well-meaning family and friends telling you that it’s time to “move on” or to “snap out of it.” This does not mean you are doing something wrong. It is perfectly normal for your grief to be intense and long-lasting. Where you are in your healing journey is exactly where you need to be to grieve your loved one.

Although it feels like no one can possibly understand how you are feeling, know that most everyone has experienced grief at some point in his or her life. As human beings, we love. And because we love, we are affected when that love is lost. It may help you to seek help and support from your family and friends. If your family and friends don’t seem available to you, talk with your favorite teacher, a school counselor or perhaps a youth pastor if you attend church.

You might also be thinking about your loved one constantly. You might even be picturing your loved one in the crash, which might frighten or bother you. These thoughts may make you want to know exactly how your loved one died and whether he or she suffered. Right now, your mind is trying to make sense out of something it cannot. This is normal and it is OK to ask questions about the crash and your loved one.

Remember, grief is a journey. It takes time and hard work, but it is necessary to heal. And you will heal. One day you will be able to think about your loved one and remember the good times with happiness.

Numbness

When you first learned of the death, you may have felt numb or as though you were in a dream. You may still feel this way. This is your mind’s way of protecting you from feeling overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings that you are not ready to handle.

When your heart and mind are ready to start processing the news of the death, the numb feeling will fade away. That is when you will feel the grief. You will have to feel the feelings that come with grief—no matter how hard it is—in order to, one day, feel better.

Disbelief

When a sudden death occurs, people tend to react with disbelief. They may deny that the event ever happened.

It is difficult to understand that someone you have loved, maybe even known your entire life, is now gone forever. This may confuse you. You might also have difficulty concentrating or organizing your thoughts. Finishing a simple task may take more time than it usually does. And you may have a hard time paying attention in class or completing assignments. This is normal. Your mind is simply working overtime to process the information it doesn’t believe is real.

Eventually your mind will understand your new reality and the confusion will disappear.

Anger

People who are grieving often feel angry. In the case of a drunk driving crash, it is very common to feel angry at the person who was drinking and driving. The anger you feel may seem so intense you want revenge for your loved one.

Do not be alarmed if you have anger toward your loved one who was killed. It is very common to be mad at your loved one for being in the car that day. You might also be angry at yourself for you think that you could have somehow prevented the crash. You could not have prevented the crash nor could your loved one.

It is OK to be angry. It is a very appropriate feeling for what has happened to you. You cannot, however, act out that anger in destructive ways such as drinking or using other drugs, harming yourself or others or putting yourself in dangerous situations. This type of behavior only hurts yourself and others that you care about.

Below are some things you can do to help you cope with the anger you may be feeling.

• Write about your feelings in a journal.
• Do some physical activities such as an exercise program or team sport to help release your feelings of anger.
• Figure out what set off your anger and make a plan for coping with the emotion during those times.
• Don’t allow abusive behavior—verbal or physical—from a loved one or yourself.
• Call MADD to be put in touch with a victim advocate who can help you.
• Attend a support group of teens who have also lost a loved one.
• Talk it out with a trusted friend, family member or even your school counselor.
• Find someone you trust and talk to them on a consistent basis.

Guilt

Over time, anger can turn into guilt. Guilt is feeling somehow responsible for what happened or thinking that you didn’t do enough with or say enough to your loved one when he or she was alive.

You might be thinking a lot about fights you had or mean things you said that you wish you wouldn’t have said. You may even think that your loved one died thinking that you didn’t love him or her because of the hurtful things you said. Your loved one knew how much you loved him or her. And, your loved one loved you very much.

A lot of this guilt you are feeling is really regret. And we all have regrets. Understand that you cannot change the past. Try to let go of the regret by focusing on the fact that, regardless of what was said, you and your loved one loved each other very much.

Sadness

Deep sadness is another emotion that comes with the death of a loved one. This stems from feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness.

You may feel as though you cannot go on without your loved one in your life or that you will never feel good again. The sadness may make it difficult for you to get out of bed in the morning, get motivated to go to school or participate in your favorite activities.

These feelings of sadness will continue as you grieve. But because you have these feelings means you are alive and able to love. The sadness will lessen as you move through your healing journey.

Physical Symptoms of Grief

Grief does not just affect you emotionally; it can also affect you physically.

You may feel as if you ache or are worn out. Headaches, dizziness, lightheadedness and an upset stomach are also common. This is your body’s reaction to the trauma you have experienced.

You may have difficulty sleeping or you may want to sleep all the time. You may also feel nauseous and quit eating or feel very hungry and eat everything in sight.

Whatever you are feeling, you are not imagining things. Try to eat well, get plenty of rest and talk to someone about seeing your doctor if the problems persist.

“Losing It” and Depression.

Some people describe grief as they were “going crazy” or “losing it” during the grieving process. The first days, months, and maybe year following the traumatic death of a loved one are the most intense and most difficult. Shock, disbelief, anger, guilt, and sadness are all to be expected.

Some people who have experienced a traumatic loss become depressed and need professional help to heal. If your grief has turned into depression, you may see the following signs:

• You continue to feel helpless and hopeless long after the death and you don’t seem to be feeling any better at all.
• You cannot participate in activities of daily living such as getting up, getting dressed and going to school.
• You cannot eat or sleep for long periods.
• You feel like you cannot go on living and you think about suicide or hurting yourself.

Thinking about death and dying after someone you love has died is normal. But if you are thinking about harming yourself as a result, tell someone right away. Depression is nothing to feel embarrassed about or ashamed of and it is very treatable.

COPING

How to Deal

You may be wondering how to cope with the feeling you are experiencing. While there is no magic cure for grief, there are things you can do that will help ease the pain and move you toward healing.

One of the easiest ways to express your thoughts and feelings is to talk about them. Talking to family, friends, teachers, counselors, or other people you trust can help ease the emotional pain. You will want and need to tell your story and talk about your feelings again and again. This is very normal and it is a very healthy and helpful way to cope with your grief.

If you enjoy writing, try writing in a journal each day to release feelings, share thoughts about your loved one and reflect on your hopes for the future. Other creative arts such as painting, drawing and playing an instrument all provide a way to channel what is inside you.

If you don’t enjoy creative arts and prefer to do something more active, continue to play your favorite sport, dance or sing. There are benefits to staying active while you are grieving. Exercise releases endorphins—a group of substances formed within the body that naturally relieves pain. They also enhance the immune system, relieve pain and reduce stress. Meditation, deep breathing and laughing can also produce endorphins.

Some people find sorrow too difficult and turn to alcohol or drugs to ease the pain. This can actually make the situation worse because alcohol and other drugs will contribute to irrational thoughts and depressed moods.

Healing

Some people think you grieve and then “get over it.” Grief is not wrapped in a neat little package. Some well-intentioned friends may encourage you to “move on.” Many people simply don’t feel comfortable talking about death or grief, or perhaps they don’t want to see you feeling badly anymore. It’s OK to grieve in your own time and in your own way, despite what others want for you.

When you are able to acknowledge that the person you love is gone, you can begin to heal. You may still have feelings of loneliness, sadness or anger, but you also continue to participate in the activities you once enjoyed. Getting involved in those normal activities and enjoying them doesn’t mean that you are forgetting about your loved one or that you no longer miss that person. Staying sad for long periods doesn’t measure the love you have for the person who died.

All these thoughts and feelings, and many others, are associated with the grief process. Grieving is like a roller coaster ride. There are good days and bad days. With time and the love and support of others, you can work through your grief and move forward with your life.